Thursday, October 20, 2005

Sushi Muffins

With all the glowing sentiments of Fall that are being posted, I feel led to step up to the plate and bring some people's heads down from the clouds. Someone needs to remind you guys of Fall's unpleasant side, and I warn you, this post will be unpleasant. Now don't call me a pessimist or a cynic; I'm just trying to keep things balanced.
Fall is a time when the leaves die. They fall to the ground in a thick carpet, and completely obscure the brown, dying grass. Face it people, Fall is a time of death. Even the name of the season:Fall, is generally a negative term. The grass dies, the leaves die, and the trees are left bare to sigh and moan in the chill wind.
Another point. All those leaves go to the ground as I have said. Eventually someone, coughDadcough, is going to want all of those leaves off of the ground. Which means he delegates. Now, this is a big word that simply means he finds someone else to do the work that he doesn't want to do. So, armed with a rake you go out face the grisly sight. The whole of the yard, strewn with the corpses of the leaves. You start the morbid task of collecting those decaying bodies into heaps of the dead, which are then either cremated, or unceremoniously hauled off to a mass grave.
Or, if you are fortunate enough to own a lawn mower with a vacuum (which we are), you can get rid of the leaves that way. But this is far more gruesome. Now, instead of merely being gathered and disposed of, the leaves are mangled and chopped into pieces by spinning metal blades of death before being taken away. Horrible.
Now consider the holidays of Fall. Halloween is one. Need I say more?
But then there's Thanksgiving. "What in the world can you have against Thanksgiving?!?!?" you may asked incredulously. Think a moment. What is the high point of Thanksgiving? The dinner. What is the center piece of any Thanksgiving dinner? The turkey. The turkey that was cruelly slaughtered, and then had it's unfortunate remains boiled, or basted, or baked, and then ripped into by ravenous carnivores.
A season of death indeed.
So go out and enjoy your pumpkins (before you eviscerate them), eat your candy(and feel your teeth decaying as you munch), curl up and read by the fire (as your eyes dry from the smoke, and become damaged by the strain of reading without adequate light), jump in the piles of leaf corpses, whatever. It's Fall.



(On a side note, I think I should explain that Fall is my most favoritest season, and this post is supposed to be a joke...sort of. So you if you took this waaaay to seriously and are now mad at me for soiling your fall experience, or extremely worried about what kind of sad, depressing life I lead, you really need to lighten up bub.)

11 comments:

ithchick said...

I think everyone who reads this blog knows you too well to take you that seriously!

Life is better in the South said...

MORBID but I LOVE fall, it's my favorite season. Plus, I like jumping in the DEAD leaves onto the DEAD Grass.

fa-so-la-la said...

Dude. Like, Fall is like, so totally my thing. It's like...dark. Kinda Goth. Morbid rocks, man.

Laura Kathryn said...

Ralph, you are so funny.
-K

toesthattwinkle said...

Autumn is also the season of fall, where's the morbidness in that name??? By the way, I've never heard of a lawn mower with a vaccuum. The poor leaves...so...cruel. but it sounds pretty cool.

monolog said...

Fall is my favorite season barely surpassing spring.
Hey Graham,
I hereby request a post containing the Apple Worshipers of Timbuktuu poem...(or whatever the location was.)

beatrice said...

No, no, no... you need to post about....you know what.....::grins mischeviously::

monolog said...

Oh now you must tell us Claire!

ithchick said...

What!.. what.. what!!!!
We want to know. Now that Claire spilled half the beans, we want the rest!

rachel tsunami said...

Ralph,
This has to be one of the funniest things I have read. There just has to be a *you* to season the soup.

I'm not going to flatter you any more than that.

rachel tsunami said...

btw, ralph, as per your Fall Sushi post, I meant to also say: You are sick, really sick. But so Boy. You just remind me of a young Keifor, only a Keifor much younger than you are now. I'm not sure what to make of that, but that post was still one of the funniest things I have read.