Dear Ralph the First

I "recently" received the following e-mail:

Dear Ralph--
Ok, so like, my boyfriend and I have been having relationship issues lately, and like, the other day we were talking on IM, and I told him I was so way tired of his avatar. So what do you think he did? He like went right then and got this avatar that's a picture from a movie he knows I so totally HATE! Is he trying to say something? Should I take it personally? I think I'm gonna call and tell him he is the biggest loser ever and I am like totally dumping him, or whatever. What do you think? Help me, Ralph!

-- McCayla


Dear McCayla,
In our day and time, internet relationship troubles are becoming an all too common problem. The IM avatar is a powerful expression of individuality, and oftentimes a window into a person's true being, so problems concerning this symbol should be dealt with quickly and thoroughly.
There are two possible explanations to your boyfriends behavior, both of them troubling.
1. He's not taking the avatar seriously, in which case he is really not the kind of person you would want to be with. A guy who jokes around about something as important as the Buddy Icon will invariably prove to be out of touch with reality or something like that.
2. He is taking the icon seriously, which would mean if he changed it to something he knows you despise, he's sending powerful signals about how he feels about the relationship. By changing his avatar to a symbol he knows will cause conflict, he's expressing that he doesn't feel he can relate to you, or that you can't understand him. In either case, it's a bad thing.
So, after careful examination and consideration, I have arrived at the following conclusion: Dump the loser. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, McCayla, since breakups are always painful, but trust me, I'm doing you a favor.

Ralph

I wanted a Sexy Brazilian Name too...

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Marcello Menezes

What's" Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

Ye Olde Spellinge

The other day, whilst I was clearing the yard of leaf remains (which, despite it's inherently grisly nature, is actually a very boring task) I fell to thinking, which is often the case. I fell to thinking about the womenfolk, attempting to puzzle them out, which is also often the case. (On a side note, I would like to say to any fellas reading this that if you ever find yourself with nothing to do, trying to figure out the ladies will provide you with endless hours of brainwork.)
But as I was saying, while I was chopping and disfiguring all those leaves, I began musing upon the subject of what kind of man women look for. Now, I know that it varies greatly from woman to woman, but usually they have something in common (like wanting said man to not be a complete jerk). But what really puzzles me is that the same girl will more often than not want wildly different, and in some cases contradictory, traits in her "dream man". For instance: They want a guy who is sensitive (whatever the heck that means...), he'll spout poetry and hold long conversations about Austen or Bronte or some such. But at the same time they want a guy who will...I don't know, grab snakes and tie them in knots, or break rocks with their foreheads. Listen ladies, if a guy is spending all of his time reading Pride and Prejudice he is not out climbing mountains or wrestling grizzlies. And quite frankly, any "guy" who would want to watch Elizabeth Bennet sort out her personal problems rather than, say, Aragorn go to town on some Uruks,isn't much of a guy in my professional opinion.
I guess I'd just like to point out that we're guys. We are different. We don't like to sit around and talk about our feelings. We like things that explode. We definitely do not understand you ladies. So don't hold your breath too long waiting on someone who is basically just another girl with a Y chromosome.
The conclusion? Girls have no idea what they want until it bites them in the face.

My brain hurts.